Ryan's blog

I think activism is in my genes. I know that being an activist is part of my identity. I've been an activist since I came out as a babydyke back in the mid-80's. As you were handed your dyke credentials and taught the secret dyke handshake, you were also instructed to get to work. One of my first political acts outside of voting was to write to my senator urging him to vote against Robert Bork's confirmation. I can remember being so excited to march to the state capitol about 1,000-strong to demand our rights. We decried the Bowers v Hardwick decision. We stated how we would never give up until gays and lesbians were treated equally (bisexuals and transgender people were still invisible at that point). I understand Columbus' pride parade has grown up.

My first March on Washington was back in 1987. I remember feeling absolutely giddy that for one moment in history, we were in the majority. I really cut my activism teeth with ACT-UP. I had friends who were diagnosed with HIV. I've lost some of them. So I was angry. I was angry that our government turned a blind eye to the suffering of its citizens. We took our anger to the streets in the form of civil disobedience. We cried as we walked through the AIDS Quilt memorial project. We engaged others and explained how the AIDS crisis affects them as well. And we organized to March on Washington in 1993.

I've worked with other organizations over the years but I think my proudest work is right here with Ingersoll Gender Center. No, no one paid me to say that. It is an honor to see people walk through our doors for the first time, taking those first courageous steps towards living a more authentic life. I see people rebuilding their lives after losing everything when they come out. I see people thrive.

In addition to being an activist, I have a reputation for being a hothead. I honestly have no idea why <insert tongue-in-cheek smiley here>. Sometimes I can channel my anger into constructive endeavours. But usually, my anger is unbridled and gets in the way of my activism by damaging important relationships. I can also be accused of acting before thinking and this is the point of this blog post.

Creating Change empowers grassroots organizers by providing them with skills and opportunities to further their work at home. I had a good friend in Dallas and had wanted to attend Creating Change for years. Thanks to being unemployed, having a free airline ticket and a friend who was willing to let me crash in her room, I was finally able to attend. On February 4, I attended the day-long institute for Trans Rights NOW! I heard time and again that one should "expect good intentions" when working with other people and organizations. Expect Good Intentions. What a simple concept yet one that I seem to have missed in all my years as an activist. This was never made more clear to me when I confronted my own actions in the debacle otherwise known as Ron Gold-gate.

Barney Frank is Wrong.

I didn't think Cleve Jones and his merry band of marchers could pull it off in such a short amount of time. I'd become jaded after being at a few marches and turned my concentration to my work for Ingersoll. I am very happy to be proven wrong. I got a call from Marsha sharing the excitement of seeing 200,000 people marching down the streets of Washington DC determined to demand our rights for equality and I replied that I would dust off the teleporter and be right there. People of all sexual orientations and all gender identities marched. My eyes were glued to C-Span as I watched speaker after speaker press the point that we are in this struggle together, no matter our identities or our affiliations. I also saw speakers pointing out that the work doesn't end with marching to the mall. That was only the beginning.

Unlike Barney Frank, I didn't spend the months leading up to the march wringing my hands over people wasting their time. I've been to marches in DC for LGBT rights in 1987 and 1993 and to protest the war in 2005. To call these things "a waste of time at best" shows a fundamental lack of understanding of the history of the civil rights struggle. Either he doesn't know or he doesn't care. The Civil Rights Movement of 1955-1968 used a number of strategies, from the Montgomery Bus Boycott to sit-ins to, yes, marches and lobbying. It was at the March on Washington for Jobs and Freedom in August of 1963 that Martin Luther King gave his famous speech, "I Have a Dream." The March is widely hailed as the turning point that quickened the pace of reaching the goal for full civil rights. I think that march did more than simply "put pressure on the grass."

If only 10% of the people who participated decide to heed that call to action, that is still 20,000 new, energetic faces signing up for the cause of equality. Imagine that power put to use to further our movement. Organizations have a responsibility to take these people in and "show them the ropes," so to speak, and teach them what activism really is (a tireless, often thankless hard slog but one that is worth every step).

Barney Frank is Right

He is right that we need to contact our legislators and lobby them to address our concerns. When one looks at the brass tacks, the power lies in the hands of those who hold elected office and sometimes, those sitting in the Supreme Court. Laws are not passed in a vacuum. Ask any of the lobbyists on K street and they will tell you that direct contact with the legislators and executive branch further their goals. So yes, we SHOULD take a look at the playbooks of AARP, NRA, the oil, pharmaceutical, and insurance lobbies. But the thing is, people did that while they were in DC. Many met with the staff of their legislators. The message was delivered. And it will be delivered again and again until we gain our full civil rights.

So pat yourselves on the back, marchers... you did it. And be ready to put your shoulder to the grindstone. And Mr. Frank, get out of the way and stop your bellyaching. We have work to do and will run over the people who try to throw roadblocks in our way, no matter their sexual orientation or gender identity. For we are an inclusive movement and we will settle for nothing less than equality for all. You can either help us and stop treating us like the unwashed masses who, for some reason, re-elect you year after year or just stop shooting off your mouth and let us do the work without you.

Breanna and I decided to test out our new bikes by riding on down to Gasworks park. It was my first serious ride in some time and proved to me how much I need to work on cardio. But once again, determination won out and we made it there in pretty decent time. We spent about an hour at the park and then saddled up for the ride home. After a couple of miles, we decided discretion was the better part of valor because it was just too damn hot by that time and we took the bus to get to the other side of the  lake.

Today was my first appointment with Dr. G since beginning testosterone. I reported changes which basically boiled down to genital growth, extremely high sex drive, and the power fluctuations previously mentioned. I brought up the issue of spotting and she is sending me for a pelvic ultrasound. Normally, I wouldn't think anything of this but because of family history of ovarian cancer, Dr. G wants to play it safe. I am curious in finding out how I could be spotting after having an endometrial ablation in 2004.

My energy seems to be fluctuating alot today. When I run out, it is like running out of gas. I just can...not...go...on. I have noticed that I am sleeping MUCH better. Now, I just wake up for my 4am call of nature and then it is right back to sleep. This is a DRAMATIC improvement over my chronic insomnia.

I'm in a pretty bad mood. I thought it might be low blood sugar but I am still feeling cranky after lunch. It could be from the pain. Inflammation in my muscles from the big hike is subsiding but now my knee HURTS. I took a couple of ibuprofen which had a nice placebo effect, if nothing else. Or it could be because I wanted to give my notice but my boss disappeared for a meeting. Or, maybe it is the T though the last time my bad mood was near the end of my cycle, not the beginning. Or maybe it is just a regular old bad mood that has no rhyme or reason.

My second injection was today. I took the plunge, so to speak, and self-injected. My doctor's medical assistant walked me through everything. I had a hard time getting the plastic cover off of one of the needles and accidently poked myself. No biggie since it was my own blood and there was no medicine in the syringe. The MA then gave me a good tip about removing the cover safely. So here are the steps I take in order to self-inject:

I hiked Mt. Si today! I made it to the top. I didn't scramble up the Haystack. I took one look at that and said OH HELL NO! Breanna did it and I admit the view is amazing. I might try for the Haystack the next time. But I figure for my first big test, 4000 feet over 4 miles is just fine.

Coming down the mountain was also brutal. But I did it! The last quarter-mile both going up and coming down was sheer force of will. But see, that's just it! Before, I would have given up long before the top. In fact, the last time I attempted this hike, I quit before I even reached the half-way point.

I was tired from the time I woke up this morning. After work, I went home and took a nap and was STILL tired upon awakening. This isn't your normal everyday didn't get enough sleep tired. This is every cell in my body is tired. Usually, I feel awake and refreshed after a nap. But not this time. It should be noted that I ate 3 times today AND downed a protein shake so I seriously doubt it was a blood sugar thing. I have to wonder if perhaps I am low on T already. I get my second shot on Monday.

One of the more interesting "side effects" of taking testosterone relates to my libido. And one of the first physical changes that I've noticed was clitoral growth (which comes in very handy for a metoidioplasty). What this means is that not only is my libido turbo-charged, but my genitalia is uber-sensitive. This can make for a dangerous combination, when you get right down to it. Genetic men have it easy in a sense because once they are done with the human tangle, that's it. But for me, I am the energizer bunny. I can keep going and going and going. Now, most of the time, I think this is a pretty wonderful thing.